I am midnight drunk by noon
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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