Taylor Swift is so right about you.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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