I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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