i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
