have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
