dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
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I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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