Jerry, you need to find god
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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