the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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