just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
