Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
