All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
