If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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