mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
