Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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