**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
