I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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