idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
