My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
