You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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