Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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