Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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