Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I see more hoeing in ur future
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