I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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