i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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