She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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