This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
