you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
