i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
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If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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