I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
