Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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