3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
