I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
