I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
