please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize