Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
