Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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