No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
