The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
