after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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