Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
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Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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