nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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