If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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