Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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