when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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