apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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