All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
