nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
