I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
