No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
