Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
