Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
