It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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