My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
