Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
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Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
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I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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