i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
