Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
